Be me.

Be sitting in front of my computer at midnight, listening to some genre of music between indie-electronica and house, procrastinating my stats homework. The homework which is supposed to help me prepare for my test in a little over 48 hours.

Say, why don’t you do your homework? It would be wise to do your homework.”

It definitely would be wise to do my homework. It would be wise for me to do all of my homework assigned to me every day, as this will increase my work ethic and demonstrate that I care and respect my school and the education I receive. In reality, though,

I can’t say that I care.

I’m a second-semester senior who only comes to school to make attendance. I have already committed to the school of my dreams, I’m having a blast with my friends, and I’m enjoying myself. Yet, I know that I am only able to be living like this because of all the work I did in my past: countless hours of sacrificed sleep, several nights of self-doubt and fear for the future, and other thoughts that would have given a therapist a field day. This was my life for a good amount of time, and as a result, I was motivated to do well in school, be competitive, aim for big dreams. Well, the dreams of yesterday turned into today’s reality, and my life has become significantly more lax as a result.

Maybe a bit too lax.

Only months ago, I would look forward to coming home and finishing my homework so that I could work on my college apps. Now, my homework is lucky if it even makes it out of my backpack. It isn’t that I have better things to do than my homework — I just don’t see any purpose for doing it. How is doing online labs of global wind behaviors going to help me in my ambitions and goals in computer science, my major? Sure, general eds provide “new ways to think and tackle problems,” but good grief. Simply living and interpreting the senses is enough to develop new ways to think. Maybe I should do the homework from my AP classes so that I can do well on the AP tests? Hmmm…nothing a couple of workbooks, flash cards, and independent studying can’t accomplish. I could use this time to develop good study habits…I’d rather use the time to develop myself.

Is it pure laziness?

Is it a false sense of entitlement, a belief that my circumstances can explain my behaviors?

Do I have so much to do, that it’s much easier to just sit and think about what I could do?

I wouldn’t know what to do if I had three balls in my hands, but I can tell you that I’ve become quite the expert at juggling these thoughts for extended periods of time. As more time is spent on something, one will find that they become more familiar with it. I’ve become very familiar with myself, and what I believe is truly inhibiting my ability to work is an absence of purpose. I don’t believe that there is use in the work assigned to me. I don’t see how this work is relevant in the grand scheme of my life. Decades from now, I won’t be thinking about whether or not I should have done problems out of a textbook. I’ll be thinking about the work I did for myself, my family, and my dreams. I’ll be reflecting and introspecting, not reading and regurgitating.

For now, I’m going to conclude that my second-semester senior status is responsible for my behavior, and when I start college, I’ll be back to my usual grind. My understanding is that in college, the classes all feed into my major and are therefore meaningful, so I won’t ever find myself wondering what it is I am doing with myself…