The last time this blog saw a real post was around the time I was approaching AP tests in high school. I wasn’t too pleased with what I was doing with myself at the time, but you can read all about that in ‘Unsatisfactory‘.
Is it appropriate to revive this blog with a response to my closing statements? Maybe, maybe not, but I enjoy the sentiment.
Summer of sixteen was a great time. The weeks leading up to move-in day were nothing short of hype. I was hyped for college. I was hyped to learn what I’m genuinely interested in. I was hyped to take the first step to becoming an adult. I was hyped for the independence.
If I knew how my first semester was going to turn out at the time, I probably would have felt something different.
I spent the first few weeks wondering why I didn’t spend more time in high school applying myself, for if I had, I probably would have been in a much better position academically. I wondered why I didn’t find an interest in my major long before I did, because if I had started exploring and practicing computer science at a much earlier age, the experience gained would have set me apart from my peers. I wondered what I was doing at a world-renowned university, questioning why I didn’t choose to go to a lesser school where I probably belonged and would have had a much better time at.
“What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What am I doing here?”
A lot of time was spent dwelling on, essentially, why my life turned out the way it did and not in a way that some of those around me would have preferred to have.
“Why is my dorm so fucking quiet? If I was in another dorm, my social life would be a lot better.”
“Why are the showers so fucking small? I had the decision to pick any dorm, with any sized showers, and I chose this one for my roommate and myself. Fuck.”
“Man, the food here is ass, but if I don’t eat, then I can’t live and learn.”
“…Does a human really need food?”
A few more weeks of this ungrateful and miserable mindset go by, and I find my journal one day. I don’t remember why I decided to read it, but I remember how I felt afterward.
I felt bad,
Because I was disrespecting myself and everything that’s happened to me. My life now is a direct consequence of my actions in my past. Things could be better. Things could be worse. My things were the way they were, and I am completely responsible. If I was unhappy with my life and the way it’s going, then that means I’m unhappy with who I am as a person and everything I’ve stood and stand for in my past and now. I’m not unhappy with myself. Not even. I’ve been given countless blessings and gifts, and I chose to ignore them solely because I felt that my life didn’t meet the qualifications of the people I was meeting.
“Those who mind, don’t matter, and those who matter, don’t mind.”
I felt powerful,
For my mind was cleared of everything but that which mattered. Reading my journal reminded me of my values and who it is I really am, and having this “hard-reset” was — not an exaggeration — life-changing.
If you wear glasses, take them off, and look around. After some time, put your glasses back on, and think about what you see.
That’s the best way I can describe the shift in my perspective and mindset. I was distracted, listening to the noise around me, letting it fill my head. I read my journal, and it’s as if I have direct control to every aspect of my life. I want something? I know what needs to be done to get it, and I know what I’ll be sacrificing in the process. I want to extend a part of myself to someone or something? Easy. I’ll respond to everything they put out. Someone needs help? I’ll do what I can. I’ve done what I could before, and I’ll do what I can now. I’ll take care of you. This is who I am. This is Vivek Bhookya.
Now, does that mean that the person in the earlier part of this story was not Vivek Bhookya, not me?
That was me. I’m the person I discuss in every part of this writing. I did all the things I did, had all the thoughts I had.
[Did some questionable things, had some questionable thoughts too, but they’re for later.]
The difference, between the two states, was the place where I was putting my energy and time.
At first, when I was still trying to figure out how to do college, I figured that the “right” way was the way that the other kids discussed. That move was dumb as fuck, but I learned a lot, and I’m grateful it happened.
“What’s right for one isn’t necessarily right for another.”
I get back in touch with my Self, and I realize what I wanted out of my experience, and the way to do college that I thought was “right”, was to use the opportunities here to further my learning while developing myself as a person.
That was about midway through the semester. As for how I feel now,
College has been a series of bad decisions, wonderful distractions, dangerous girls…
…blessings of friends, appreciation, love, support, and guidance.
The food got a little better too.
Bad decisions and wonderful distractions
Blessings of friends
Appreciation, love, support, and guidance