The last time this blog saw a real post was around the time I was approaching AP tests in high school. I wasn’t too pleased with what I was doing with myself at the time, but you can read all about that in ‘Unsatisfactory‘.
Is it appropriate to revive this blog with a response to my closing statements? Maybe, maybe not, but I enjoy the sentiment.
Summer of sixteen was a great time. The weeks leading up to move-in day were nothing short of hype. I was hyped for college. I was hyped to learn what I’m genuinely interested in. I was hyped to take the first step to becoming an adult. I was hyped for the independence.
I
had
become
that,
which
was
Hype.
If I knew how my first semester was going to turn out at the time, I probably would have felt something different.
I spent the first few weeks wondering why I didn’t spend more time in high school applying myself, for if I had, I probably would have been in a much better position academically. I wondered why I didn’t find an interest in my major long before I did, because if I had started exploring and practicing computer science at a much earlier age, the experience gained would have set me apart from my peers. I wondered what I was doing at a world-renowned university, questioning why I didn’t choose to go to a lesser school where I probably belonged and would have had a much better time at.
“What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What am I doing here?”
A lot of time was spent dwelling on, essentially, why my life turned out the way it did and not in a way that some of those around me would have preferred to have.
“Why is my dorm so fucking quiet? If I was in another dorm, my social life would be a lot better.”
“Why are the showers so fucking small? I had the decision to pick any dorm, with any sized showers, and I chose this one for my roommate and myself. Fuck.”
“Man, the food here is ass, but if I don’t eat, then I can’t live and learn.”
“…Does a human really need food?”
To summarize.
A few more weeks of this ungrateful and miserable mindset go by, and I find my journal one day. I don’t remember why I decided to read it, but I remember how I felt afterward.
I felt bad,
Because I was disrespecting myself and everything that’s happened to me. My life now is a direct consequence of my actions in my past. Things could be better. Things could be worse. My things were the way they were, and I am completely responsible. If I was unhappy with my life and the way it’s going, then that means I’m unhappy with who I am as a person and everything I’ve stood and stand for in my past and now. I’m not unhappy with myself. Not even. I’ve been given countless blessings and gifts, and I chose to ignore them solely because I felt that my life didn’t meet the qualifications of the people I was meeting.
“Those who mind, don’t matter, and those who matter, don’t mind.”
Dr. Suess.
I felt powerful,
For my mind was cleared of everything but that which mattered. Reading my journal reminded me of my values and who it is I really am, and having this “hard-reset” was — not an exaggeration — life-changing.
If you wear glasses, take them off, and look around. After some time, put your glasses back on, and think about what you see.
That’s the best way I can describe the shift in my perspective and mindset. I was distracted, listening to the noise around me, letting it fill my head. I read my journal, and it’s as if I have direct control to every aspect of my life. I want something? I know what needs to be done to get it, and I know what I’ll be sacrificing in the process. I want to extend a part of myself to someone or something? Easy. I’ll respond to everything they put out. Someone needs help? I’ll do what I can. I’ve done what I could before, and I’ll do what I can now. I’ll take care of you. This is who I am. This is Vivek Bhookya.
Now, does that mean that the person in the earlier part of this story was not Vivek Bhookya, not me?
Not quite.
That was me. I’m the person I discuss in every part of this writing. I did all the things I did, had all the thoughts I had.
[Did some questionable things, had some questionable thoughts too, but they’re for later.]
The difference, between the two states, was the place where I was putting my energy and time.
At first, when I was still trying to figure out how to do college, I figured that the “right” way was the way that the other kids discussed. That move was dumb as fuck, but I learned a lot, and I’m grateful it happened.
“What’s right for one isn’t necessarily right for another.”
I get back in touch with my Self, and I realize what I wanted out of my experience, and the way to do college that I thought was “right”, was to use the opportunities here to further my learning while developing myself as a person.
That was about midway through the semester. As for how I feel now,
College has been a series of bad decisions, wonderful distractions, dangerous girls…
…blessings of friends, appreciation, love, support, and guidance.
The food got a little better too.
Vivek
[
Bad decisions and wonderful distractions
Dangerous girls
Blessings of friends
Appreciation, love, support, and guidance
]
Bonafide Grade Hustlers 