Pains ceased and wounds closed with some help from forgiveness and compassion.
It is incredible what a shift in perspective can accomplish…we learned to look past our past issues in order to continue our beautiful relationship.
I am grateful.
Vivek
Once upon a time, there was a person named Vivek and there was another person and these two people fell in love.
They were very happy together. They learned a lot of things about each other and how relationships worked.
They were very strong together and apart. Long-distance for four months (summer vacation) was tough, though. Long distance didn’t stop them nor did it stop their love.
Then some issues came up from some misunderstandings. The misunderstandings were cleared up but issues remained. These issues required solutions in the realm of serious compromise — belief challenging and life-changing decisions.
The decisions were made in an effort with the hopes that the decisions taken will ensure the recovery of the relationship.
The decisions didn’t change much.
There were more fights and arguments, issues with trust and respect and love, challenges of everything one stands for in a relationship. The times were very bleak, but somehow the two managed to stick it out for a while.
Winter break rolled around and no more could be taken. December 22nd signifies the end of this story.
—
Now, I will attend to myself and feed love into the areas that hurt.
It is like when you read a book and you reach the end of a chapter. This doesn’t signify something drawn out that continues to ache, but the conclusion of something that was well-lived in its due time, and resolved once we’ve been given enough. I loved you, babes. The next person who can experience what we’ve shared with you should consider them the luckiest ever, even though that person will never be — I myself have that position.
Thank you for the memories.
Vivek Bhookya. ❤.
February 19, 2017 – December 22, 2017
When life gets hard, I feel uncomfortable. I may probably feel angry, too. Angry, upset, sad, I feel a pain in my chest where my heart should be. Do I have chest pains and need to see a doctor, or is my heart simply hurt, and I need to find a new way to attend to it?
I imagine a conversation between me and life:
Life: “Hi Vivek! I’m going to make you feel very uncomfortable and hurt. You will experience a variety of negative emotions and energy. I may elicit this by giving you information that you don’t want to hear, causing an event that will affect a major part of your life, or have someone in your life behave in a way that hurts and upsets you.”
Vivek: “Hello. Why? Why do you do this to me, Life? Why must I feel these pains, these sensations…why must I think these thoughts, experience this displeasure? Why, Life…do you make me suffer? Why does the only way out of this seem like the worst possible choice to make?”
For a large part of my life, I would think that Life’s response was always:
Life: “Vivek, I’m doing what I am because fuck you.”
I realized, only recently, that Life was really saying:
Life: “Vivek, I’m doing what I am because I know this will benefit you. I know it is very uncomfortable, but I am placing you in a situation where if you do manage to find peace and survive, you will gain a new skill which will make all of your life that much better, all of your relationships that much more meaningful, and your happiness and love that much more enjoyable. What I am giving you, is not pain, or displeasure, or suffering. I know that you feel these things, but I hope you can understand that this isn’t what I have for you.”
Life: “Vivek, what I have for you can be thought of as a puzzle: A puzzle to a greater life. I feel like you have maximized the life you currently live, that you’ve squeezed out every last drop of joy and love. That’s why I’m putting you in the position you’re in. I want you to ascend to a different state of living, a different mindset, because there is a greater life for you to experience…only if you can find peace with the sensations you feel and find a solution to the dilemma you’re in.”
In the past, I would always feel extremely sorry for myself, sit around and feel bad, just have no hope for life. My life was reduced to feelings of hopelessness, and there weren’t that many reasons keeping me alive.
However, I’m here still, so that means I was able to solve those puzzles, right?
—
Life: “Hi Vivek. You don’t seem to be doing very well. Here, I’ll give you the understanding I was hoping you would find. I’ll give it to you at the cost of something important, though.”
Life would eventually show me the way out of the situation that I was in, but because of my lack of initiative and persistence, my happiness would come at the cost of something else. Something else, usually being a relationship which was meaningful to me.
The problems I have are almost always a challenge to myself and what I believe. It can be thought of as, “Hi Vivek, I know you enjoy life, but do you love it, and do you love yourself? Do you really accept the things in your life, or do you lie to yourself and hide from the things that hurt you?”
—
If there’s anything valuable in everything I’ve learned, it’s that — although it can be very, very difficult — facing that which hurts you and confronting it directly reaps the most benefits. When I hid, the problems would hide as well. They would hide, staying unresolved, and later in my life, if I enter a situation similar to the one which produced these hidden problems, the problems come out of hiding. Now what? Do I hide again, and say goodbye to my desires and dreams, only for a sense of security? How long will I keep compromising myself, for myself?
When I faced the issue directly, it would be a tough, exhaustive process. I would swirl through a plethora of negative emotions and energy, eventually tiring out my entire body and spirit with only my thoughts. The choice to go back and hide would dance in front of me, because that will always be the path of least resistance. That path, however, does not give me what I want. It doesn’t let me become the person who can give himself what I want.
So I persist. I persist, and keep accepting what I feel. I have no idea when the feelings will go away, when the puzzle will be solved. I don’t know what I’ll learn at the end of the process, how my life will change. I meditate. I ask around for help. I write. I reflect. I ask myself what matters. I go through my memories. I go through myself.
What’s tough is that I don’t know when I’ll solve the puzzle. While I’m solving the puzzle, the rest of my life, my relationships, and everything important to me flies by. My body is there, growing and expiring with the rest of my life, but my thoughts are elsewhere.
Once in a while, the puzzle becomes partly solved, and the rest remains unsolved.
These are the fucking worst.
Vivek: “Life, look, I found a way that deals with some part of the issue, but I’m having a hard time with the rest. What do I do? Is there anything I can do?”
Life:
I guess, once I live for a little more, I’ll find an answer for my life.
Vivek
[A period of consistent failure does not necessarily mean that success will never be seen.]
[If you’re always learning, when are you applying?]
[The way you see yourself is not the way others see you.]
[Live and let live. Don’t let the lives of others inhibit the ability to live yours.]
[Don’t hold others to your personal standards.]
[A period of consistent failure does not necessarily mean that success will never be seen.]
Vivek
[The best way to do something is to start doing it.]
…At least, in the case of a procrastinator.
Let’s say I’m tired of sleeping in during the holidays and would much rather be awake by some certain time. How do I do it?
My personal process is as follows: I’ll think about what I want to change or do, research the benefits and consequences of this decision, see what parts of my life I have to change to accommodate, realize I’ll need to go to bed earlier in order to shift my sleep rhythms earlier, write out this super detailed plan discussing the process and goals I have for myself, get ultra hyped for what I’m about to do, and sleep in the next day too.
This might seem funny now, but considering how frequently this happens, I had to reconsider my process for setting goals or trying to bring change into my life.
I remember several times trying to make schedules for daily routines, but if I happened to miss one of the scheduled events, I’d drop the rest of the day. “Whoops, I didn’t do some arbitrary activity, guess the entire day is gone too!”
Thinking that I may have written too many details when planning, I took away the routine and then gave myself several tasks I had to accomplish during some day. I can do the tasks whenever I’d like, and the rest of my time is at my leisure.
The entirety of my day would become the “rest of my time,” as I would get a handful of tasks done early on then just push off everything else.
It seemed that I was just undisciplined and needed better habits.
My habit of extensive planning helped me plan out several habits I would take upon myself to acquire, completely foolproof, and I again did not follow through. Maybe it’s an issue with discipline, maybe it’s an issue with my mindset…the issue can be anything but what it is wasn’t going to help me get stuff done.
What I found which lead me to the first statement was that irrespective of whether or not I was doing what I needed to be doing at the time, I was almost always doing something. The something I was doing just depended on where I was and how I felt at the time.
If I’m near my journals, I’ll spend my time reading them or writing in them.
Should I be in my room, I’ll most likely chill on my bed until I fall asleep.
I’m near a speaker or headphones? I’ll listen to music.
It became apparent that I had minimal problem getting tasks done, as long as I was in a position to work on them. Just being in the position to succeed made doing the task that much easier. For example, if there was a day I needed to read something from a textbook for school, I’d leave it open on my desk. Even if I didn’t read it then and there, I would get to it later that day because it was already conveniently open to where I needed it. Or, if I had to go the gym to work out or dance or etc and I wanted to do exactly not that, as long as I made sure I somehow went to the gym, I wouldn’t have a problem doing whatever it is I needed to.
I just have to take the first step in order to be successful. Which I feel stands true for most people.
—
Of course, the initial step might be the hardest step in a process, but the environment one is in can definitely make that step a lot easier. Instead of trying to force motivation out of oneself in order to complete some task, just shape the environment to facilitate working on that task.
Vivek
[
Read Gift first to know what’s going on!
]
I have more journals than I know what to do with. I guess that’s better than having lesser journals than I need, though.
A gift I received for graduating high school
[Hell yeah]
is a fancy little journal with cream-colored pages bound inside leather covers. On the front cover, with reflective golden lettering, the journal reads, “I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT BOOKS”.
I have no idea why a blank book has that message on the front. The message gives a really cool look to the journal, though, similar in appearance to some religious scriptures.
—
The first page inside this journal has my name on it because the lined pages begin after this blank page.
The second page inside this journal has my thoughts regarding how I can use this journal. My too-many-journals issue was already in place before receiving this journal, but I didn’t want to not use it either. Ultimately, I decided to just write down thoughts of mine that I feel are important to keep track of, and that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
As far as I’m aware of, of course.
As more time passed, I continued to write more and more of my thoughts in this journal, from internal dialogues trying to understand something, realizations and conclusions I’ve made which I believe have timeless relevance, questions seeking answers, and answers to my questions.
Because I only write what’s most meaningful to me, this journal has essentially become the closest representation to my core values and true person, second to myself. As such, when I am troubled or feel lost, this journal acts like a reset or “backup” for me to align myself with what matters most to me.
I guess, without this book, I probably couldn’t live.
I’ll be sharing some of the “truths” I’ve written with some personal elaboration or a little story of how that truth came to be, for the sake of putting more stuff on this blog.
Vivek
”
There was once a young boy. He had just entered his teenage years.
As his experiences with the world weren’t significant enough to idealize the ambitions and paths he may have an interest in pursuing in the later years of his life, his mind was only capable of providing simple feedback to the current situations. Maturity would come much later.
This boy would spend a significant amount of his day in an environment which tested the physical capabilities of himself and his peers many days a week; he felt that it would be in his best interest to pursue personal development so that he may be on par with — and eventually surpass — the other boys in these tests.
He searched far and wide for the means to satisfy his desires, and his efforts lead him to a room of iron and machinery. As he stepped into the room, he was immediately met with others.
Others unlike he had ever seen before.
Our boy was short and thin, similar in appearance to a skeleton with just enough meat to pass for a human being. Those sitting in his retinas were of massive proportions, some with limbs almost as large as the boy himself. The boy avoided the gaze of those who stood above him and kept to himself. Unable to comprehend the true capabilities of these individuals, his young mind decided that his best course of action would be to minimize any interactions in an attempt to avoid potential conflict. Should conflict occur, our boy may not exist anymore.
[The innocent mind sometimes brings feelings of warmth to the mature who recognize it. The innocent mind sometimes brings trouble to the mature who try to change it.]
The boy sulked around, scanning the machines and the iron, until he found a horizontal bench with a suspended bar. As it was empty, this machine became the boy’s.
His first attempt almost killed him. His second attempt almost took out the boy’s shoulder. His third attempt left the bar suspended…or rather, sitting on the boy’s chest.
As a fish out of water, the boy gasped and gasped but his lungs were too heavily compressed. His breath gone, his vision began darkening, fading slowly
to
black.
Powerless. Useless. Futile. Any effort was a wasted effort, this boy thought, slowly accepting that this may be the end of his story.
He closed his eyes.
…
“Push. It is your greatest obstacle which gives you your greatest development.”
The black in the boy’s eyelids are suddenly replaced with images of the other boys from this child’s life. He remembered why he was in this room of iron and machinery. He remembered why he had desired to find this room.
His eyes snap open, and where only a moment ago one would have seen a truly defeated soul now saw a light which shined more brilliantly than all of the stars combined.
His hands found the weight of the Earth on his chest, and with all the might he mustered, they pushed, and they pushed, and they pushed, and they pushed until his arms were fully extended.
He set the bar in its resting position and stood.
“Where did that voice come from?”
The boy looked near and far, high and low, but all he found were other beings just like him, focused only in their own pursuits.
He left the room.
—
It has been several months since that first attempt. The boy has been visiting consistently to the machine which had almost become his maker, and the boy was making honest progress.
Today, however, was of special significance. The boy would test himself to see if he could press up the largest iron plates in the gym. He had worked with the plates which sat in his palm, worked to the plates larger than the splay of his hand, graduated to the plates almost as big as his face, and now had his eyes on the plates as big as his abdomen.
He loaded the weights on the bar and laid down on the horizontal fixture.
The boy took a breath.
What felt like an eternity to the boy was only no more than a handful of moments. This child had succeeded in his attempt. The progress was tangible, he was appealing to his initial desire, the boy had begun to smell the aroma of success.
As he set the bar back in its holder, he heard whispering.
The boy had begun training late in the day, after the others had left, so that the boy may train in full comfort and at ease. In this empty room, then, where would whispering come from?
The whispering came again.
His iron? It seemed, but the boy reasoned that his machine was mouthless, and therefore was unable to speak.
The whispering visited again, and the boy, drawing his ear closer to the bar, quickly forgot his earlier reasoning.
Louder whispering met the boy.
He drove his head closer.
The whispering sounded closer.
The boy set his ear in contact with the cool, cool iron, as a curious individual would give his ear to hear the secret of another.
The bar spoke to the boy.
“lmao one plate fuken weak as hell boiiiiiiii”
Thus began the boy’s adventure into the Kingdom of Aesthetica.
”
Vivek
Being appreciated gives me strength and comfort.
Feeling loves makes everything worth it.
Having support means I’m someone others care about.
Receiving guidance empowers and excites me.
Vivek
A friend is someone who helps you enjoy your life when you’re at your best, helps take care of you when you’re at your worst, and is there everywhere else in between.
Or at least, a close friend.
Let’s say that your personality is an ocean, and the people you meet are boats. When boats are built, they are first tested for their integrity, the ability to float. Some boats pass this test, and others simply take a dive. Pun intended.
Now, pretend there is a boat with a lot of great features. You really like this boat, would like to see it sail the oceans forever. Unfortunately, as soon as this boat touches water, it sinks. Well, now what? You really like the boat, but what are you going to do? Change the composition and the size of the ocean to accommodate? Change the boat with respect to the ocean?
Well, since the ocean isn’t going to change, the logical answer seems to be to change the boat…
But I’m sure you know how persistent people can be when asked to change, and
We still try to keep those boats in our life.
For any relationship to be successful, there needs to be mutual appreciation and a somewhat equal aspect of recoprication (Both participants should be taking equal initiatives to make plans, as an example). If one or both of these conditions are unsatisfied, one will find his/her relationship unsatisfactory.
When I was younger, I remember trying to be everyone’s friend. Growing up, I’ve met people with whom I’ve had and have great interactions with, and I’ve met people with whom I’ve had not so great interactions with. Growing up, I’ve learned a lot.
No matter how kind or friendly you are to someone, that someone will never be obligated to treat you the way you treat him/her. You can dedicate all your time and energy wanting someone, but never once will that someone be required to want you even the slightest bit back. Take time out of your life and help someone who asks for it. Generally, that someone will thank you. For some, unfortunately, that someone will bite the hand that feeds. Others,
That someone will go for the wrist.
Should a relationship similar to what’s described above be observed in the wild, that relationship would be labeled, “Parasitic”. One gives more than s/he takes, the other takes more than s/he gives, and the amount that is given and taken does not balance each other. If it helps, try thinking of this quantitatively.
Person A and B have 100 “kindesses” each. Person C and D also have 100 kindnesses. Every interaction A has with B, A gives ten kindesses and asks for ten. B, similarly, gives and asks for ten. A and B, throughout all their interactions, will always have the same amount of kindesses which they started with.
Now, let’s say C gives ten and asks for ten, but D only gives five kindnesses.
C is slowly running out of kindnesses. Hmmm.
Humans learn through experience, and let’s pretend C is a relatively smart person. C recognizes that D isn’t giving C ten kindnesses, but C still wants to be friends with D, so C changes the number of kindnesses C asks for. After a while, C’s original ask of ten becomes seven, to see if D can try to meet C in the middle.
In my experience, if D does meet C in the middle, then C changes the amount C gives to the number that D gives because that is essentially what the relationship has become.
If D does not meet C in the middle and continues to give only five kindnesses, then it’s only a matter of time before C faces reality and decides to drop D. Our “relatively” smart C becomes a truly smart C.
The amount of time it takes, however, can have severe effects on one’s life. Or maybe I just had some poor luck.
There was an individual this past semester who seemed to enjoy spending time with me. This same individual would also need help sometimes. Me being me, I’ll help those who ask, no questions asked, so I did what I could. Soon, the help which was being requested became more and more demanding, and the appreciation I was receiving was, well, wasn’t.
In my past, I accidentally removed a person from my life — a person I saw almost every day — and I know how it can be awkward and not pleasant things can be when I’m in the same room with that person. That was something I didn’t want to recreate in college, and so I tried what I could to make this relationship more comfortable for me.
People aren’t required to say thank you when they are helped, and nothing says that I can’t make the decisions which facilitate my best interests. If something is holding you back, stop holding on to it.
—
As hard as it was, I dropped him/her.
This experience showed me how significantly people can affect each other’s esteems and lives, brought me awareness to a new kind of relationship, and also showed me who really matters in my life. Showed me the people who would listen to my ramblings on the troubles I was having. Showed me the people who only wanted the best for me.
Showed me my friends.
Vivek
Don’t misbehave with people in relationships or their boyfriends might come after you.
“Just cuz there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score tho.”
Inappropriate. Don’t be disrespectful.
Vivek
Bonafide Grade Hustlers 